There’s a scene in Iron Man 2 where Tony Stark, who is dying from palladium poisoning, finds a way to save his life and tells his ‘bots that they are back “in hardware mode.”
As in, he trashes his house to build a particle accelerator and create a brand new element in order to save his life. And now I have to do the same thing to actually get a life.
I’ve been making half-hearted corrections to my life for years. Diet to lose some quick weight rather than start to eat healthy and regularly exercise. Add some throw pillows to a sofa rather than clean out everything I’ve been given or inherited and actually decorate things the way I like them. Take a three-day vacation to recharge (and work while there), when I really want to go away for two weeks and explore someplace I’ve never been before. Constantly call family and friends to keep in touch when I wish that for once they would call me instead. And we won’t talk about the number of times I’ve looked at my job and thought things need to change – only to be lured into staying with a small raise or a promise of changes or – whatever.
The thing is, I’m not happy. I’m generally a very optimistic person – but I’m really really unhappy.
I don’t like my life. I want a new job, to do something fun and meaningful. I want to lose the weight and get back in shape. I want my home to be decorated with just my things in the colors and styles I like. And I want to go back to being the explorer I was when I was younger, rather than the person who just grabs a few days to unwind when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion.
Maybe most of all, I want to finally sit down and actually finish writing the books I’ve been outlining and jotting notes on for the last decade.
In short, I need to go into hardware mode. I need to tear down everything so I can build what I want in my life.
And I have to do it now. I’m not sure how long my job will actually be around and at my age it might be hard to find a new one. I have debts to repay. I’m so out of shape that just walking for half an hour tires me out. And I don’t even have a home – I moved out of my apartment to relocate for my job, and now I don’t know if I’m ever relocating, which leaves me in a temporary apartment that costs three times as much as my old home.
I need to:
- dedicate myself to a serious career hunt – analyze my skills and decide where and how I want to contribute to this world, then force my introverted self to network, reach out and get that job.
- commit to a healthier eating plan, and to getting exercise daily, even if it’s just dancing around a room for 30 minutes.
- create a home I love by sorting through my things and sell what I never wanted or no longer need.
- find a social life, groups that I can support, people who like the things I do.
- actually take a vacation. To somewhere I’ve not been before. Even if it’s not two weeks, even if it’s just a few days.
- write. Yes, write the books – at least pick one and actually finish it. But to get into the rhythm, I will also be writing here, on a daily basis.
This is a record of a year of creating a life – from December 5, 2019 to the end of 2020, and what happens in my life.
Good, bad, indifferent – I can’t wait any longer. Like Tony, I’m dying – packed away into this little box of boredom, with no visible way out.
Time to knock out a few walls and rewire.
In Hardware Mode 